The French have said au revoir to the franc.
The Germans have said auf wiedersehen to the Deutschmark.
And the Portuguese have said whatever to their thing.
Go!
Now it's our turn to say goodbye to Sterling.
This Christmas we are going to get the euro.
Goodbye old pound.
Everyone says we are going to miss you.
- Come on! - Faster! Faster!
- Hey come on! - Faster!
I can't see ya! Where are you?
I'm over here!
This is the main drag along here.
That's Portland.
Bisecting that at right angles, is Lundy on that side.
On this side there's Fastnet. What's yours?
Cromarty.
Cromarty and German Bight.
Cul de sacs. Over here.
- I've come through. - Come on! Come on, Damian!
There's a train coming!
Keep pedalling. Come on!
Faster!
- Beat ya! - Come on!
I'm gonna call it Serendipity.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
- Anyway it's number twenty. - Upstairs!
- This is my room. - And mine.
Get your own room.
The patron saint of house removals is Saint Anne.
- Did you know that? - No, I didn't know that, no.
Yeah, she lived in the desert, obviously.
And when she wanted to move house.
Angels came, picked up her house and took it to Italy.
Handy.
She was Our Lady's mother.
What you on about Damian?
Saint Anne. I've got a picture.
Look. I don't care, just get in the car, will ya? We're going'.
Go on! Get in the car!
- Was she in it at the time? - Who?
Saint Anne. When the angels did the...
you know the airlift?
I don't know.
Start with the money.
That's what our Anthony says.
That's what people want to know about.
Like if you're moving house...
you don't say 'we're moving house and the new one has got a green door.'
You say how much you're paying.
How much you got for the old one.
Mortgage. Interest rates. Stamp duty. Solicitor's fees.
How much you'll get if the new one goes up in value.
That's called equity.
Personally, I think, 'so what? '
Money's just a thing.
And things change.
One minute something's there and you can cuddle up to it.
The next minute it's gone.
Like a Malteser.
That goes in the kitchen.
Is this fantastic or what?
Surprisingly spacious, with attractive views.
Oh, that's Anthony's. That must go upstairs and...
And anyway, in the end,
it turns out it wasn't about the money after all.
That's it lads. Up to the main bedroom.
Has anyone seen where the phone points are?
Eh, where do I plug this in?
Oh, right, yeah. Oh that looks good, that does.
Right
this is what we're having' tonight, yeah?
Before Countdown, put the oven on.
After Countdown, get a packet of these,
put them in there with some oven chips, yeah?
It's for mum.
The time is on here, yeah.
Ok.
That's how long they have to stay in.
By the time they're ready, I'll be back.
She may already have won ten thousand pounds.
Her name has been entered in a draw.
- All she has to do is... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Hands?
Other sides.
Let's go.
Come on!
That's you.
Get your bags.
And your book bag, Damian. Keyssss...
Now remember it's no good being clever,
you've got to be the cleverest, yeah?
- Alright. See ya Dad. - Good luck lads.
See ya. Are you nervous?
A bit.
So everybody sitting up nicely? Excellent.
Now we are talking, today, about people we admire.
- Dminic? - Roy Keane, Sir, Manchester United.
Very good, Roy Keane.
What about you Barry?
- Van Nistelrooy, sir. - Van Nistelrooy, right.
Anyone got any heroes who don't play for United?
- Jack? - Robbie Fowler, Sir, City.
Alright, that's enough.
Tricia?
I don't know any footballers, sir.
Well, it doesn't have to be a footballer,
it could be... anyone.
- Don't know sir. - No?
Damian?
Saint Roch, sir.
- Who's he play for? - No one sir, he's a Saint.
Oh that's better, go on.
He was so worried that he might say something bad.
That he said nothing at all for twenty years.
We could do with a couple like him in this class.
Thank you, Damian.
I like a lot of virgin martyrs too.
Like Saint Agatha.
She ripped her own eyes out,
so she wouldn't have to marry this man.
Or Saint Katherine of Alexandria.
They tried to kill her by crushing her to death on a wheel.
But she made the wheel explode
and all the splinters killed people in the crowd.
The patron Saint of fireworks.
That's where we get the Catherine wheel from.
I did say thank you, Damian.
Right, I brought in this picture.
This is a hero of mine. Who knows who this is?
- Nelson Mandela? - Fantastic, Nelson Mandela.
I should be careful what you talk about.
Try talking about football or something.
Keep off the weird stuff.
Just don't be conspicuous or you won't fit in.
Aero and a Yorkie please. And five juicy lips.
Haven't seen you two here, before.
We just moved here.
Our mam's dead.
Yeah, well go on, you're alright.
- Thanks. - God bless.
Who's next?
Works every time.
You tell them your mam's dead and they give you stuff, every time.
I'm your... Community Policeman.
Obviously there is no community here as yet,
not to speak of, but you know...
Anyway the first thing to say is,
these new houses and Christmas coming up.
Statistically you're going to get burgled.
Now, not all of you, but some of you, soon.
Probably this week, next.
When you are, call me.
I'll give you a crime number
and then you can make a claim on your insurance.
Building maintenance?
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Yeah, I'm usually right, it's a knack.
Do you mind me asking? Is the kettle actually on? I'm...
Oh, sorry.
Yes?
Isn't the problem here, that our houses are built on sand?
Sand? No.
They're not are they?
If you store up your treasure on earth it will be stolen.
But if you give it away, then it can't be stolen.
Mormons?
Well, Latter Day Saints.
Saints?
I know all about them...
Errr... Damian,
go and give Terry a hand in the kitchen will you?
You too Anthony, off you go, good lads.
Now, some of you are going to be burgled.
There are things I can tell you,
that will lower the odds of it being you personally.
It's a bit anti-social,
because if it isn't you then it'll be next door,
but ha-ha there you go.
Our mam's dead.
Here. Go on, help yourself.
Take as many as you like, son.
Result.
Is it completely honest?
Completely dead isn't she?
What?
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Just go away.
I don't like having my own room.
Clare of Assisi,
Eleven Ninety Four till Twelve Fifty Three?
That's right.
I used to have a hermitage, myself, once.
I used to go and hide up there.
If anyone needed me, I'd send them a vision, sort them out.
That's why I'm the patron saint of television.
I was like... human television.
You're the patron saint of television?
Keeps me busy.
You know?
Are you allowed to smoke then?
You can do what you like up there, son.
It's down here, you have to make the effort.
Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?
She hasn't been there long.
Don't ring a bell.
Then again, it is infinite up there.
Absolutely bloody infinite.
Listen...
Dad.
What is it anyway?
What are you doing with all these boxes?
- What's that? - Wait and see.
Where did you get that?
You can see it too then?
Well... you know...
sometimes you see things. Don't you?
And other people can't see them.
What?
Well... you know... sometimes, but this is real though.
This is real. This is real
Can't wait to tell dad.
You can't tell dad about this.
You can't tell anyone about this.
Why not?
Tax.
If the government find out about this,
they'll take forty percent of it away.
Forty percent!
Do you know how much that is?
Nearly all of it.
Shall we count it before we go?
No, we can't we're really late.
How much? How much?
There's thousands.
Ten thousand.
- Fifty thousand. - Seventy.
Two hundred thousand.
Millions even.
Patch... Jenga.
Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink.
Promise not to tell anyone.
What is it?
- How much is it? - Thousands.
Hundreds.
It's just hundreds.
No one else knows.
So if anyone finds out, we'll know it's you. Ok?
Anyone finds out we know it's you.
No one else knows.
Just me and you. Here.
Thanks.
Yeah, just keep it shut.
Two hundred and twenty nine thousand,
five hundred and twenty pounds, minus...
a hundred quid each, spending money.
Leaves two hundred and twenty nine thousand,
three hundred and twenty quid.
And we're going to give all that to the poor.
Where you going to find poor people?
There's loads of poor people.
Not round here. The house prices keep them out.
Go on. Go. Go.
Go on. Go. Go. Go on. Go. Go. Go. Go on.
Go on.
Francis of Assisi?
Eleven eighty one till twelve twenty six.
You did this didn't you?
My first act as a Saint.
What was your next one?
Washing a leper.
A leper?
You could just help the poor Damian.
Big Issue. Help the homeless.
Big Issue anyone?
Oh hello.
And keep the change.
Oh, thanks mate, I've had nothing to eat all day.
Oh we're going to Pizza Hut, want to come.
No... no. She doesn't. She just wants more money.
- We haven't got any more. - No I fancy pizza actually.
Can I bring my friend?
Meat feast, deep and juicy, stuffed crust mate.
Two meat feast thin and crispy.
- Ah a big New Yorker. - A combo platter.
- Do us a farmhouse. - I'll have some garlic bread love.
We'll all have some garlic bread won't we?
And Dippin' Chicken. To share.
This is great. Anthony thought there were no poor people round here.
Because of the house prices.
Well they're not from round here.
- Come in on the bus. - I come in on the train.
Couldn't afford to live round here.
Who exactly is paying for all this?
We are.
- You must be minted! - Yeah we are.
No... no, we're not.
It's birthday money.
His birthday money, he saved it.
- Puddings? - Yes please.
No.
One hundred and sixty eight quid.
Do you know how many times we'd have to visit Pizza Hut
to get rid of all the money?
One thousand, three hundred and three point five one seven times.
It's just not practical.
We should buy property.
See this house, we could buy two like that.
If they knocked some off the asking price.
And if we did buy property, that'll go up in value.
So we'd have even more money.
Damian?
Excuse me?
Are you poor?
Beg your pardon?
Are you poor?
Are you asking for money?
Me? No.
Because we don't have any.
We live in a community, you know, it's very basic.
We don't have a dishwasher for instance or a microwave.
And there's no cash kept on the premises.
So you are poor?
In a sense, yes.
Brilliant!
Invergi. Invergi
St. Nicholas of Myra?
Sanctus quartus saeculus sum...
Patronus de nautae et, vero, natalis.
It won't all fit.
El fini errant centi cetus poplas
Saint Nicholas?
Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?
- Ques? - Saint Maureen. She's new.
Quat facki abat?
Skin care. She worked on the make-up counter at Selfridges.
Sel-frid-ges?
To betal?
Est a quero publican rodeo.
It's less than a fortnight to E-day.
That's when Britain completes transition
to the European Monitory Union. The EMU.
Oh with twelve days left to E-day, my true love said to me.
The transitional exchange rate is fixed at sixty seven p.
Oh! Well all I can say is... ding dong
After E-day your old money will no longer be legal tender.
Wish pounds goodbye and euros...
Hello.
We don't have to queue up.
Here we go.
How much have you actually got?
Plenty.
- Anthony Cunningham. - Where's your dad?
My dad? Well he's not coming.
Eh?
Yeah, he's not coming yet. He said to start without him.
Start what without him?
The job is to show him around the apartment.
How can I do that, if he isn't here?
He gave me this.
Show me around and I'll fill him in afterwards.
It's what we usually do.
We're looking at this for our investment portfolio.
Not as a residence.
Has it kept it's value?
It's gone up twenty percent in the last two years,
because of the schools.
He does send you to school doesn't he?
Or do you just look at photos of them?
Flood lights. Scoreboards. Stadium.
It's the dogs bollocks this, family heirloom. Fifty quid?
Fifty quid?
You could buy a proper football team for that.
I could buy Crewe Alexander for that.
Yeah but... this has got managers.
Dan Leavy and Malcolm Allinson
Never heard of him.
Deal.
You said you would for five quid.
I didn't know you were going to get five quid did I?
Ten quid then?
Look, I've got a good body.
Twenty quid, last offer.
Martyrs of Uganda, eighteen eighty one?
That's right.
Ohhhh sorry about that.
I was beheaded. See.
Before that I was in construction.
I don't know who built this, but they were a right cowboy.
I built it myself.
Well, you'll see what we can do.
But I can't promise anything.
Why not? There's plenty of you.
Yes, come on welcome.
Hello.
What are they singing?
They are praying for rain.
Where I come from...
people have to pay a tenth of their daily income on water.
It's so expensive that they can't afford to wash their hands.
So they get disease.
You don't need fancy hospitals or medicines to make life better,
just a well. And you...
can build a well for as little as one hundred pounds.
That's fantastic! Thanks.
I'm sorry I don't know who you are.
Mutual that then.
This yours?
Nice.
Near a railway.
- What's in there? - Nothing really.
- What's this? - A dress. It was my mums.
What are you looking for?
Money.
Are you poor?
What?
Damian, come in.
Anthony to Damian...
What's that?
- Damian, where are you? - My brother I've got to go.
I'll come back. I've got loads. Just wait there.
- Loads of what? - Money. Just wait there.
Five... four... three... two...
Who's that?
A poor person and you said there weren't any.
I know. But who is it?
I don't know. Just someone.
What do you mean 'someone'?
Did he do anything to you?
- What sort of things? - Never mind.
Look people are weird. You've got to be more careful.
You shouldn't really talk to them.
Anyway I've told him now.
- Told him what? - That we have tons of money.
He's poor.
What?
Nothing. Nothing. Leave it to me.
Where is he then?
I don't know. He was here a minute ago.
See.
Loads of money. We've been saving it up for ages.
You can have it if you need it.
Come on Damian.
You'll have to change it quickly.
Do you think that was really enough?
More than enough.
That's him completely sorted out.
Right. Have you given money to anyone else?
Not really.
What?
It wasn't that much.
Just like a bagful.
- What's that? - Scuba scooter.
It goes at ten mile an hour for up to five hours.
We could have one of them. We could have one each.
We could have a whole fleet.
She's nice.
Huh! I've seen better. Close the door.
Look you can see it protruding.
- What is it? - It's a nipple.
What's it for?
Well it's for feeding babies.
Did mum have one?
Two. They've all got two.
And did she feed us with them?
Yeah, course she did. I remember.
You can't remember when you were a baby.
I don't remember her doing it to me. I remember her doing it to you.
Anthony?
What?
I thought you'd done the washing up?
I did it!
What do you call that glob?
Hello what's your name?
Keegan.
Alright, K, what's happened to your finger?
That's quality. Pure scary, pure scary.
Hey, give me your money. Come on, empty your pockets.
Hey you! Excuse me, excuse me!
Give me all your money. Come on, every copper.
Who feels sorry for poor children?
Correct answer.
Everybody sitting up nicely?
Ok. So, as you know,
we're going to have new money in the New Year.
Does anybody know how much a euro is worth in pounds?
Yes.
- Sixty seven p. - Spot on.
Here, there's a little prize for you.
It's your own euro converter.
Now! Who else wants one? Anybody?
- Me! - Ohh. Everybody. Ok.
So, who can tell me how much two pence is worth in euros?
Mmm. Well I'll tell you.
It's worth not very much. Almost nothing.
To you.
But if we all put our two pences together.
Then we'll have a lot of two pences won't we?
Yes.
How many people are there here?
One... two... three... four...
Five... six... seven... eight...
Two hundred and fifty.
Sorry?
There's two hundred and fifty in the school.
Oh clever clogs head master.
Ok two hundred and fifty.
So if you each gave me two pence, then I'd have five pounds.
It's not that much here.
But in Ethiopia five pounds could feed a family for a week.
And if you all gave me two two pences, then we'd have a tenner.
And that's enough to provide that village
with a source of clean water forever.
It's no good to you. So chuck it in the bin.
Excuse me. Give me all your money!
Come on, every copper.
Get out of my way. Hey you!
Hey, give me your money!
Come on. Empty your pockets.
Hello, what's your name?
Damian.
Hi Damian. I'm the Bin.
Hello Bin.
Damian, you'll give me some money won't you?
Yeah.
What did you do?
You did it again didn't you?
What?
I saw what you did.
How much?
Not much. She's nice.
I've been thinking.
Why don't we give the money to her?
So how did it go?
Well...
A thousand!
What did you bring a thousand to school for?
Can't you see that that's suspicious?
It's not suspicious. It's unusual.
How can it be suspicious? It's our money.
Right you lot outside... come on.
Right, that's enough messing around.
Do you know in Africa
you can build a well for as little as a hundred pounds.
Just listen.
It was the most daring, most brilliant,
cleverest and biggest robbery on record, ever.
The train was here.
The train, the one with the money,
Used notes.
Right the van comes up onto the platform... here.
It's a railway van so no one takes any notice.
Until...
They jump out of this van
and some of them got hold of the driver.
Some of them start shifting the money.
By this time rapid response has been mobilised.
Alright, let's go. Come on!
The van drives off with a reckless disregard for life.
Rapid response goes after it.
There's... armed units. Dog handlers. Helicopters.
Throw everything at them.
The train stays here.
An ambulance comes, takes the driver to hospital.
Get another driver.
The CID count the bags. There's only one missing.
Then rapid response corner the van.
Trapped.
The robbers dropped the lot and they leg it!
They've got no chance, except...
Newcastle United versusArsenal at Highbury.
One all. Disappointing result for the gunners.
Please advise car, I think we've lost them.
They don't catch the men.
But that's alright because when they get back to the van...
there's the missing bag.
How do you... how do you know all that?
His uncle works for the police.
The van has gone.
The train is in the station.
And the cops are in the cop shop making tea.
Where are the robbers?
Where's the last place you're going to look?
- Our house? - Maybe.
So the train moves off with a new driver and all the money.
On the train.
The money was on the train and so was a robber?
Lateral thinking.
The money stays on the train, but so does a robber.
He sits tight.
And every time the train comes to a slow bend
he chucks a sack of money out.
They've got people waiting all over the country.
Could be Stafford or Crewe.
Could be Preston or Wigan.
Runcorn, it could be.
Could be here.
Damian.
Damian. Calm down. It'll be alright.
No one knows it was us.
I don't care. Leave me alone. What you have to tell me for?
Because I wanted you to know the truth.
We have to give it back.
No... no we can't do that.
They were going to burn it.
Now come on, it isn't the money's fault it got stolen.
- I thought it was from God. - What?
Well you know sometimes you tell people about mam
and they give you money or sweets.
Well I told God and...
well who else would have that kind of money?
Well... in a funny...
God doesn't rob banks, alright. God does not rob banks.
Office. Now.
Your father's on his way.
Come in.
The Mormons!
You stole money from mormons?
Would you like to tell us why you did it Anthony?